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Good Words. by Evalayen

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Submitted on
October 16, 2011
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After all I've seen,
I don't know who I am
or where I've been
Nor the distance in between,
All I know is today
and what tomorrow may bring.
For I am a wanderer,
For I am a broken soul,
A broken soul
Who walks down this path alone
Finding piece by piece
My own redemption.
This is a somewhat old one. I wrote it around March. It's been awhile since i put something up so i figured i'd post this:p since i haven't wrote anything lately. Comments please:)
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:iconpaul774:
Paul774 Featured By Owner Oct 10, 2012
very nice poem :heart:
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:iconundeadfreak16:
undeadfreak16 Featured By Owner Oct 10, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you very kindly my friend (:
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:iconpaul774:
Paul774 Featured By Owner Oct 10, 2012
you're welcome! :)
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:iconkaijukim:
KaijuKim Featured By Owner Sep 22, 2012  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
this is a good poem
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:iconundeadfreak16:
undeadfreak16 Featured By Owner Sep 22, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you kindly :)
Reply
:iconkaijukim:
KaijuKim Featured By Owner Sep 23, 2012  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
welcome
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:iconfiyerotigelaar:
FiyeroTigelaar Featured By Owner Sep 22, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
This flows nicely, well done
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:iconundeadfreak16:
undeadfreak16 Featured By Owner Sep 22, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you :)
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:iconcrazybean13:
crazybean13 Featured By Owner Sep 22, 2012
Very pretty poem.
Reply
:iconundeadfreak16:
undeadfreak16 Featured By Owner Sep 22, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you so much :) I'm glad you enjoyed it. It's the poem that I am most proud of.
Reply
:iconmockingbird250:
mockingbird250 Featured By Owner Aug 27, 2012
This is soo beautiful! :hug: I love it!
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:iconundeadfreak16:
undeadfreak16 Featured By Owner Aug 28, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Aww thank you :) I'm glad you like it! No one said it's beautiful so that means a lot :)
Reply
:iconh-a-cooke:
H-A-Cooke Featured By Owner Aug 8, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Vision:

You have captured a thought that goes through many people's minds. Anyone who reads this will have an entirely different experience, but in a positive way.

Personally, for myself, this piece reminds me of my early college experience and reminds me how much stronger I am after having gone through what I did. It's a nice way to get across uncertainty without overkill.

Originality:

Off Rhyme: This technique occurs when there is a sense of rhyme throughout a piece, but that rhyme tends to be internal rhyme with very few external rhymes.

This technique gives the poem a fresh feel and gives it sort of a song quality.

Technique:

Commas: In poetry the comma (,) signifies a pause, rather than a divide, in thought. Your piece is written in a free-falling style and the constant use of commas takes away from the overall impact of the piece. However, this can be fixed if you pick strategic lines to use commas and leave the rest without punctuation.

I would suggest that the following line keep the commas and that all line not mentioned lose the commas:

Line 1: After all I've seen,

Line 4: Nor the distance in between,

Line 6: and what tomorrow may bring.

^ Line 6 should have a period at the end of the line instead of a comma. This shows the reader, without making it too dramatic, that a shift has occurred in the piece.

Line 7: For I am a wanderer,

Line 8: For I am a broken soul

Impact:

This piece will be easy for people to relate to. Everyone has felt, feels, or will feel as if they have been broken down and are in search of themselves and what the believe. This poem has the potential to reach a very large audience.
________________________________________________________________________________________________
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:iconundeadfreak16:
undeadfreak16 Featured By Owner Aug 8, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Wow. I don't really know what to say. Thank you very much. I went and took out the commas that weren't needed. Thank you for explaining where they should be in this piece. I've always had a tough time figuring out where they should go. So i really appreciate it. How do i go about getting this into the printed magazine or into the group?
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:iconh-a-cooke:
H-A-Cooke Featured By Owner Aug 8, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Well all poetry is voted on. So you choose which group folder to submit it to and then it's voted on. And then, just keep an eye on the group.The other two Admins will tell everyone when submissions are being accepted for the magazine.
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:iconundeadfreak16:
undeadfreak16 Featured By Owner Aug 8, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Oh. Okay. Sounds good. Thank you for the help:)
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:iconh-a-cooke:
H-A-Cooke Featured By Owner Aug 8, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
You're welcome!
Reply
:iconcrematedman:
CrematedMan Featured By Owner Aug 2, 2012  Student Writer
"After all I've seen,
I don't know who I am,
or where I've been,
Nor the distance in between"
This poem's great.

Seems like a poem that would work well as song lyrics.
Reply
:iconundeadfreak16:
undeadfreak16 Featured By Owner Aug 3, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you so much! :) I always set out to write lyrics but i always end up just writing free verse instead. But thanks again :)
Reply
:iconcrematedman:
CrematedMan Featured By Owner Aug 3, 2012  Student Writer
That is probably why you are so successful with conveying emotion, and arriving at pleasant sounds.
Reply
:iconundeadfreak16:
undeadfreak16 Featured By Owner Aug 3, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Wow. Thank you so much for that :) It's compliments like that keep me posting my stuff. :)
Reply
:iconvainamoinenian:
Vainamoinenian Featured By Owner Apr 23, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Don't want to look like a complete ass, but I think it should be "wanderer" at the end of 7th line :P other than that, I liked it :) good job
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:iconundeadfreak16:
undeadfreak16 Featured By Owner Apr 23, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
No, not an ass at all! thank you so much for pointing that out i don't know how I've missed that for so long -_- I'm really glad you liked it. Thank you:)
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:iconvainamoinenian:
Vainamoinenian Featured By Owner Apr 23, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
:) Glad I helped
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:iconundeadfreak16:
undeadfreak16 Featured By Owner Apr 24, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
That you did! thanks again:)
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:iconvainamoinenian:
Vainamoinenian Featured By Owner Apr 24, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
:)
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:iconstar-chaser97:
Star-chaser97 Featured By Owner Mar 3, 2012  Student Writer
It's good. I can connect with it.
Reply
:iconundeadfreak16:
undeadfreak16 Featured By Owner Mar 3, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I'm glad you can. As a writer, there is no better feeling than when someone can relate to your words.
Reply
:iconstar-chaser97:
Star-chaser97 Featured By Owner Mar 3, 2012  Student Writer
Very true
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:iconhockeyplayer96:
HockeyPlayer96 Featured By Owner Nov 26, 2011  Student Photographer
this is really good, but really sad. You might not wanna repeat the line "broken soul" and try for a new line instead to give readers more contrast and description and to create a more in depth mental image
Reply
:iconsweet-felt-sorrow:
Sweet-Felt-Sorrow Featured By Owner Oct 27, 2011
This is awesome :D You're a great writer ;)
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:iconundeadfreak16:
undeadfreak16 Featured By Owner Oct 27, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you !:D
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:iconsweet-felt-sorrow:
Sweet-Felt-Sorrow Featured By Owner Oct 27, 2011
^^ Np!
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:iconcourtneyparker77:
CourtneyParker77 Featured By Owner Oct 18, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
beautiful, but sad. i loved it! you write as if you have an old soul. :)
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:iconundeadfreak16:
undeadfreak16 Featured By Owner Oct 18, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you! I've been told i am before:p
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:iconcourtneyparker77:
CourtneyParker77 Featured By Owner Oct 18, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
you're welcome.
i'm not surprised! :D
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:iconniathefreak:
Niathefreak Featured By Owner Oct 16, 2011
I love it :D. It has a lot of feeling and well it is also true and it makes me think of well how things r now. I love this and i would love to read more of ur wrightings. When i can :)
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:iconundeadfreak16:
undeadfreak16 Featured By Owner Oct 18, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you Friend!! You can read more of my poetry in my gallery:D or i can send you some some how!
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:iconniathefreak:
Niathefreak Featured By Owner Oct 26, 2011
u r very welcome :). and well i may read more when i have the time to :)
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:iconindigotakesawalk:
indigotakesawalk Featured By Owner Oct 16, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
Beautiful! I love it so much. :)
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:iconundeadfreak16:
undeadfreak16 Featured By Owner Oct 18, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you! that means so much to me:)
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